Something has really dawned on me these last few days and I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I’ve spent so many months thinking about the future or the fact that just in general I can sense myself changing but I’ve finally started to realise that I am no longer a child and it absolutely terrifies me.
Of course, ever since the age of 9 or 10 I’ve been trying to convince myself I’m not a child and that I’m a mature, respectable person. However, even though I believed in my head that I was really mature doesn’t mean I actually was.
When I was younger, like most other people my age I was obsessed with Hannah Montana, desperately waiting for the day I could wear sparkly dresses, heels and make-up just like her. I think I even wrote in a previous journal that when I grew up I either wanted to walk dogs or be just like Hannah Montana. I’ve been obsessing over a huge number of different celebrity males from the age of about 11 and wishing I was part of some popular girl group that everyone envied. Naturally, I also wanted to be dating the cutest guy and have everyone be jealous of us. But in the last few months, and quite a time before that, but most in the last few months I’ve realised that my childhood is very rapidly coming to an end. Having just started sitting my GCSEs with more to sit next year and hopefully the start of my A-Levels I’ve realised that in fact, all those years I spent trying to convince people I was grown up and mature I should have spent enjoying being childish and immature. Now that I can really see that I’m reaching maturity I want nothing more than to reverse time and go back to being a child. I regret all the years I spent desperately wanting to be 15, 16 and 17, when the time just couldn’t go fast enough and now I spend my time desperately wishing I was young again and that I had used my time wisely while I could. Enjoyed being a child while it lasted.
Another thing that has made me kind of depressed and sad recently is the other day me and my younger sister were looking through childhood photos and I know it may be big-headed but we were so cute and we always looked so happy. My family is in a good place and we get on really well, of course everything isn’t perfect and some relationships could be improved but it’s not what it once was and I don’t expect it to be. We’ve all grown up now and have different interests and abilities and we like spending time away from each other, sometimes more than we like spending time with each other and that’s totally fine but the atmosphere of our family has changed because of that and we will develop new relationships and a new atmosphere but looking through those photos just reminded me how much my family has changed. Once upon a time when we used to all sit around playing board games and going to parks we now spend that time watching TV together or sitting in our separate rooms.
The other thing I have become very strongly aware of recently is how next year I can learn to drive and in only three years time I might be moving out and going off to university, I think I’ve touched on this subject before and I’m sorry if my posts are really same-y and boring. Anyway, I really hate my own company and much prefer being surrounded by other people and the idea of moving out, far away from my family and living in a house on my own, doing everything independently terrifies me! I’ve just come to the realisation recently that I’m not ready to grow up, but I don’t have a choice as everyday my childhood just seems to be getting further and further away, fading into the past rather than being part of the present. I love being a child or a teenager and having independence but still being able to have the support, company and love that my family give me. How do people ever learn to grow up?
Sorry about this post, I know I went on for ages! I promise I have lots of interesting posts planned, it’s just finding the time. But luckily I have my final exam on Thursday and then I’m basically free for the summer and I will be spending lots of time writing blog posts for all of you!
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Inspired Teen 🙂